Dear Queer Radical,

I’m a straight guy who has fallen for Gina, my lesbian friend. My heart is pounding. I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to ask her out. What do I do?

Straight and Stuck

Dear SAS,

I’d rather not assume you are a bore with a lesbian fetish. Or that you’re a self-proclaimed stud who likes conquering the unattainable. Or that you have a crush on your friend so that you can watch some live “girl-on-girl action.” But for a moment, I’m going to assume you’re that kind of low-quality guy.

If you are, in no uncertain terms, leave Gina alone. Go to therapy. People have enough trouble waking up in the morning and moving through the world with a shred of dignity. Gina doesn’t need an objectifying asshole, heterosexual, sexist man “to turn her to dick.”

Now that that’s covered, imagine a gay coworker asking you on a date. How would you respond? If you’re the kind of guy that would fly off the handle and beat him to a bloody pulp, don’t ask Gina out. If you would feel disgust well up in your stomach, don’t ask Gina out. If you would be secretly annoyed that anyone would dare question your sexuality, don’t ask Gina out.

For a moment let’s assume that you are an evolved human—that you have thought through your own sexuality—that you are a decent guy. Congrats. You’re off my shit list.

You have probably realized that your sexuality, while hetero, is not all that stable. Perhaps you dreamed about fucking your best guy friend in high school, or you once got a woody at the gym looking at the buff boxer showering, or you spend an inordinate amount of time ogling cock in straight porn.

If you can understand maintaining your heterosexuality while giving a guy a hand-job, you might have what it takes to ask this woman out.

She’ll probably reject you. And before you ask her out, you had better be prepared for that. After she dumps you on the spot, deal with it.

And if you do get what you want, I hope you’re open minded and ready for a queer relationship. Perhaps she doesn’t like hetero-penetration. It’s hand-jobs for you bucko. Or maybe she’ll want to fuck you in the ass since you lack a cunt. Are you ready for that?

Perhaps it will be poly. Perhaps she will want to continue to see women. Most likely this will not be the threesome you’re imagining—rather—you will be home alone pitying yourself  drowning a bowl of tater tots and wondering if she’s given up on you while her best friend fists her.  That is—until you grow up and learn to function in poly relationships—and find a way to please yourself.

If you’re not a jerk, if you don’t believe sexuality is static, don’t be afraid to let her know how you feel—once, gently and with no expectations that anything will come from it.

Yours in amorous solidarity,

Queer Radical