Credit: David Max Waterman
Credit: David Max Waterman
Please darling, go to church with me

Dear Queer Radical,

Recently I’ve been searching for a faith-based community—a place to reconnect with my childhood passion for God. When my partner of seven years and I first got together, neither of us were believers and neither of us had any interest in going to church.

As my interest in exploring religion has grown, I’ve been hoping she might join me in my journey by going to church with me. When I asked her if she’d be interested, she shirked me off. When I pushed the point, she ridiculed me for exploring faith.

Is it unreasonable for me to want her to join me? What can I do to convince her to come to church with me?

With Love,

Faithful and Forlorn


Dear FAF,

There is nothing wrong with you wanting her to support you by going to church with you. Indeed, desire and imagination have no bounds. When it comes to real life, you do have boundaries.

As a general rule, evangelists, proselytizers and nags bore, irritate and disrespect others. This is why God’s door-to-door sales teams, sidewalk Bible thumpers and frothy mouthed politicos have a hard time building relationships. They turn people off by demanding others agree with them, join them and follow. 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting her to support your exploration of faith by going to church with you. It’s fine that you asked—but you need to take her answer seriously. Badgering her into going to church with you is irritating. Just like in the sack: No means no.

While ridiculing a person’s religious journey is disrespectful, you disrespected her by badgering her to go to church. She ridiculed you after you became obnoxious. She was defending herself against your unwelcome pressure.

As you explore religion, be careful not to turn your exploration of faith into an interpersonal bulldozer.

So how can you get her to go with you? You can’t. Manipulating her into doing so is wrong.

You can go to church. You can tell her about church, if she wants to hear about it. You can ask her if it would be okay to ask her again in the future. If she says, “yes,” do. If she says “no,” don’t.

Your journey is your own. Hers is hers. That’s a good thing.

With Love,

Queer Radical


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Beau's picture
Beau (not verified) Tue, 05/08/2012 - 15:39

good advice. and FAF should know that there are other people besides her girlfriend, who would very much love to have a spiritual companion and someone with whom to attend church. like me :)

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Cynthia Willins (not verified) Tue, 03/26/2013 - 03:06

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meltemmaire (not verified) Tue, 07/09/2013 - 04:52

One of the big steps to resolve this is to make decisions cooperatively. Trust is the main factor with your partner and every thing is depend upon it, respect the feeling of your partner. These are the keys to eliminate this question: fix broken marriage? I would recommend this article to all my married friends.

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